I remember the moment I knew you were coming. In that small moment, with my back against the bathroom wall,  I knew my life would change forever. And through those months, with you rolling and kicking inside me, I began to know you. You were born screaming, slick and red-faced, and as the nurses wiped you down, you cried and cried. I kissed that tiny, perfect face, the small echoes of nostrils, the curving shell of your ears, and daddy cried when he saw you (but don't tell him i told you that).

        I know the science of your development, how you morphed from tiny winged embryo to willful one year old. Still, you amaze me, you stump me, and you humble me. Every night I watch you sleep, counting breaths, marveling at your fringed lashes, the dreams that make you smile and coo.

        You seemed like a good baby from the start and that has proven to be true. You've grown into quite the toddler now-I'm not sure how much you weigh and how tall you are but we will find out soon at your one year checkup. You are already starting to say words, so far you say mommy, daddy, hi, bye bye, yay, and coco occasionally. You have always been ahead of the game, eyes open and searching even those first few days of life. Later, you would lift your head and arms, trying to push yourself up, wobbling, concentrated, determined. How strange it seems that a few months ago your small fingers could barely grasp at a rattle, now you crawl and side step around the house, banging your toys on the floor and walls.

         You have taught me so many things this year, the haute cuisine of kashi waaffles, the joys of rolling in pillows. You have taught me that a Tupperware bowl is a hat, that a spotted towel is fascinating, that a pack of Dentyne gum provides hours of amusement. You have taught me patience, and love, and terrible fear. Crouching over you with the nose bulb as you struggled to breathe, reaching you seconds too late after a nasty tumble, rushing to the hospital with a call from you dad that you were having trouble breathing; I prayed to any God who would listen. Every day brings me to my knees in thanks for your existence, for your wisdom, for your health.

            And so, my dearest daughter, on the anniversary of my most memorable night, I salute you. May this next year bring you many discoveries, may you feel loved and cherished by your big, crazy family. May you keep that wonder, that fearlessness that inspires you to dive off the bed and climb over our legs. May you continue to find the joy in the small things, leaves of lettuce or the shapes and colors of fruit, or the way the light comes through the curtains, making patterns on the floor. I will always be here for you, when you want to play peekaboo, or snuggle, or when you want to be a monster and chase me. When you wake up at four AM, crying because your teeth hurt, I will always hold you and keep you close. I will try to let you go, to let you discover, I know you need that. As I watch you explore your world, always know, I am your BIGGEST fan and cheerleader.

Love,

Mommy

2-22-2012

Leary and I sat down one night and developed our core values...I think it turned out beautifully!!!

It had been a LONG day lol

1. Live simply.

 We won’t commit to things that will fill our schedule to the point of insane business with little result. We will not go into debt other then for schooling purposes. Christmas time is spent more on creating things together and spending time with loved ones, than it is in buying things and dealing with crowds. I've decided that a perfectly clean house just isn’t going to make the cut, so I clean what’s needed, and don’t worry about the rest. We stick to our little mantra in our home, “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.”

2. Grow.

We value the way God has made each of us individually, and we encourage personal and communal growth. It seems like our 5-year-old son Lucas is artistic and right-brained, so we want to foster the space for him to create and explore his interests. If Ben is athletic and shows interest in sports, we’ll provide a reasonable way for him to pursue that – but if he’s not, we won’t force him to be someone he’s not. We’ll encourage him in his weaknesses, of course, and give him a safe place to develop his areas of growth. Addy our baby we will answer to every call of hers until she is old enough to self sooth, we will do everything in our power to make sure she is a happy healthy baby! We WILL NOT give her any medicine/Vaccine we do not feel safe with...if it comes to it we will home-school. We will work daily on activities to expand and educate ALL of our children, we will not allow the TV to be a babysitter. No matter the dirty looks we get we will discipline when and wherever needed. We believe you have 18 years to teach a child to be an adult, not 18 years to be a kid. We’ll all do our best to allow us each to flourish in how we’re made. This also means we choose selectively how we spend our free time. Because it’s important to me that we create... I purposely schedule in time to scrapbook, or cook, or decorate, or whatever. It also means I invest time and resources into making our surroundings beautiful, because being surrounded by beautiful things high value of mine. Leary is an introvert, so we do our best to give him time to be alone. He also loves the outdoors, so if given a choice to do something outside or in, we’ll try to do it out.

3. Honor relationships.

People are more important than things. We choose to value friends, family, neighbors, strangers, and enemies more highly than our personal possessions, our right to comfort, or a false sense of security. If a friend needs a place to crash for the night, we will welcome him to our office/guest room, even if our place is a wreck. I’ll have to swallow my pride, but that is better than turning away a soul needing a haven. We’ll schedule time for me to have a lunch date with a friend, because that friend is important. Even if it means not getting anything done that afternoon.

4. Celebrate.

As a family, we like to celebrate both the big AND little things. We enjoy decorating for the seasons and holidays. We like fostering traditions, and spending time with extended family. For us, it’s fun to celebrate a birthday in our family for the entire weekend. And little things are cause for celebration, too. Being newly potty trained deserves a fun dessert after dinner. Finishing a tough project at work might mean a late-night movie and popcorn. We’ve chosen to make celebrating a priority, so we don’t feel guilty about spending valuable time doing these things.

Wow!!!! I am so excited. I am going to be driving home in just hours... So those of you who don't know I am moving back home to Indy. The place I belong. I had an amazing but difficult summer in Wyoming, but wouldn't take it back for anything. Along with me being excited I am happy, nervous, sad, and feel I failed.

The Drive...haha oh can't wait. I am going to have to leave Brian's by 7am to get dad by 9:30am and then I will pick up my dad and we will immediatly start heading towards Indy. It's a 16 hour trip from Denver. Dad wants to get a hotel, I say I'm young and we will drive straight through. I'll let you know what happens... I am really just praying my dad and I don't kill eachother, I think my family is too. Haha this could defianitly be a possibility.

Sunday should be pretty great! I will get up shower and make my rounds to all my families and friends houses. Kelly and Ian just moved into there new place so I am going to chec that out with Nick. Shelby I just can't wait to hug!! Haha. Aunt jen and uncle matt, granny, Sarah who is now prego. Hopefully Chelsea and the kids plus my own fam. haha I have a lot to do and  lot of people to see! 

So back to square one lol. Now searchign for a job again in Indy. I have 2 Interviews on Monday! WHich is great. One with a  family with a 5 month old and another with a family who has a 2 month old and a 2 year old. Family #2 seems very down to earth. Pay isnt great but it is workable if I love my job! In august it turns in to a possible live in position. which then money would be fine.  So haha Wish me luck...

Also whenI get back I have to call Tammy and let her know that I am no longer living inWyoming. I know she is bsolutely going to freak out. But our contract says nothing about me not being able to take the car out of state. The good news on this is I am down too $1050.00 that  I owe.

Other stuff... Me and Shelby when I get a job and some money are getting tattoo's togther. (Non matching) haha I had an amazing drem about mine but cant tell you what it will be...yet

I came out to wyoming wanting to get away, bad choice I should have never moved somewhere to get away from someone.  And now having to call those people and beg for help to get home makes me feel sick. Don't get me wrong I can't wait to be home, I miss my family and friends more than I can even express. But at the same time I don't want life to pick up where I left it.  I was miserable when I left and that's why I am glad this summer happened, so just maybe some people will realize what I did and how much I helped, and they might learn the word RESPECT.

Sorry this blog was so random today but heyy that's me!